how to: begin again
listening to: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by Birdie
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
One of the themes I have been exploring in therapy is the theme of permission or agency. The knowledge that I, as an adult human being, can, in fact, orchestrate how I want my life to look. I can, and am encouraged to make a life that I love, am fulfilled by; one that gives me passion and a deep desire for living that life well.
Part of the reason I signed up for therapy is that I needed clarity- I needed someone to hold me accountable, to help me peel back the layers. I needed someone to look in my eyes and say, "stop living for others. go out and do what you love and those you love will be better for it. don't live by so many rules and go be the you that you were created to be."
it sounds easy, doesn't it? like, steff, just go do the things you love to do. and I can do that. I can fill my home with house plants, and drink all the coffee I want, and make endless bottles of face toners and rollerballs, and write to my heart's content. I can read books, I can cook the same meal every night if I want, I can spend time outside with my boy and his red wagon. I can drink wine, and meditate for an hour, or take my journal to the coffee shop. I CAN do all of those things. but I rarely do.
I am always stuck on the should's of my life: the should do's, should have done's, the have-to's, the need to's. I get caught up in the whirlwind of the week, thinking of the things I will face the next day, the next week or the next year. I spend most of my time planning, and scheduling, and orchestrating, and fixing. Some would call this being a mama and a wife. Some would say this is just life. But this mama was and is real tired and desperate to connect back to herself.
One of the questions I ask often is: how do I get back to the Steffanie I seem to have lost? The Steffanie who read books until 12am because she just couldn't put the book down? How do I find the girl who browsed bookstores for hours just to be near books, who wrote at coffee shops and lived fully in the moment of where she was? The one who went to art museums because art is just so dang beautiful, and poetry readings with strangers. Who walked barefoot in the grass on fall nights, and who wielded words like her life depended on it. The one who cried often at the mercy of a Father who gave his only boy up for her heart, who prayed boldly over her life.
Slowly, almost painstakingly, I am seeing glimpses of her now. I have tools to use to find her, and rhythms to implement to give her space to get cozy again. Her body was taken up for a long time by a bunch of beliefs and lies and lots of fear- so much fear. Getting older is such a hard, beautiful, scary thing- it opens up so many areas of your mind and heart that you didn't know you needed to make peace with.
an exercise that my counselor, and consequently another beautiful soul in my life, told me to do (and one that I encourage everyone to do regularly) is to literally just list out who you are, right now. What do you love, what do you not love, what do you need?
hiya, I'm Steffanie. I:
- am almost 29 and kind of stoked about being nearer to 30
- think being a mama is my favorite thing ever
- really enjoy a comfy v-neck, a good pair of jeans, and her favorite yellow 108 hat
- am passionate about toxic-free living and essential oils and natural living
- really love being married to my husband (because he is the best human being)
- will never say no to a house plant and is slightly obsessive about them
- will spend hours reading and drinking coffee
- recognize that the older I get, the more alone time I need
- my favorite books: never let me go, blue like jazz, 11-22-63, when breath becomes air, the year of magical thinking, the book thief, present over perfect (or literally everything shauna niequist writes), emma
- favorite music: novo amor, mumford and sons, saint raymond, birdie, sleeping at last, phoenix
- will absolutely listen to a song 27 times in a row because it is THAT GOOD. this also applies for movies.
- love Jesus with all my heart.
- don't share but my anxiety can be crippling
- really love my people
- worry that grace is not meant for me but am also growing in this :)
- am a huge believer in therapy and talking to your people
beginning again, essentially, getting back to the you that you were created to be can be weird, and overwhelming, and hard. Especially if that sweet soul has been hidden for a while. Or if they have been hurt or mistreated or misunderstood. I encourage you to make a list, sit down with a friend or partner or spouse, get outside, and get quiet. dig down deep and get to know your soul again. I promise you, it is life-changing work.
happy tuesday, lovelies!
Steffanie
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Part of the reason I signed up for therapy is that I needed clarity- I needed someone to hold me accountable, to help me peel back the layers. I needed someone to look in my eyes and say, "stop living for others. go out and do what you love and those you love will be better for it. don't live by so many rules and go be the you that you were created to be."
it sounds easy, doesn't it? like, steff, just go do the things you love to do. and I can do that. I can fill my home with house plants, and drink all the coffee I want, and make endless bottles of face toners and rollerballs, and write to my heart's content. I can read books, I can cook the same meal every night if I want, I can spend time outside with my boy and his red wagon. I can drink wine, and meditate for an hour, or take my journal to the coffee shop. I CAN do all of those things. but I rarely do.
One of the questions I ask often is: how do I get back to the Steffanie I seem to have lost? The Steffanie who read books until 12am because she just couldn't put the book down? How do I find the girl who browsed bookstores for hours just to be near books, who wrote at coffee shops and lived fully in the moment of where she was? The one who went to art museums because art is just so dang beautiful, and poetry readings with strangers. Who walked barefoot in the grass on fall nights, and who wielded words like her life depended on it. The one who cried often at the mercy of a Father who gave his only boy up for her heart, who prayed boldly over her life.
Slowly, almost painstakingly, I am seeing glimpses of her now. I have tools to use to find her, and rhythms to implement to give her space to get cozy again. Her body was taken up for a long time by a bunch of beliefs and lies and lots of fear- so much fear. Getting older is such a hard, beautiful, scary thing- it opens up so many areas of your mind and heart that you didn't know you needed to make peace with.
an exercise that my counselor, and consequently another beautiful soul in my life, told me to do (and one that I encourage everyone to do regularly) is to literally just list out who you are, right now. What do you love, what do you not love, what do you need?
hiya, I'm Steffanie. I:
- am almost 29 and kind of stoked about being nearer to 30
- think being a mama is my favorite thing ever
- really enjoy a comfy v-neck, a good pair of jeans, and her favorite yellow 108 hat
- am passionate about toxic-free living and essential oils and natural living
- really love being married to my husband (because he is the best human being)
- will never say no to a house plant and is slightly obsessive about them
- will spend hours reading and drinking coffee
- recognize that the older I get, the more alone time I need
- my favorite books: never let me go, blue like jazz, 11-22-63, when breath becomes air, the year of magical thinking, the book thief, present over perfect (or literally everything shauna niequist writes), emma
- favorite music: novo amor, mumford and sons, saint raymond, birdie, sleeping at last, phoenix
- will absolutely listen to a song 27 times in a row because it is THAT GOOD. this also applies for movies.
- love Jesus with all my heart.
- don't share but my anxiety can be crippling
- really love my people
- worry that grace is not meant for me but am also growing in this :)
- am a huge believer in therapy and talking to your people
beginning again, essentially, getting back to the you that you were created to be can be weird, and overwhelming, and hard. Especially if that sweet soul has been hidden for a while. Or if they have been hurt or mistreated or misunderstood. I encourage you to make a list, sit down with a friend or partner or spouse, get outside, and get quiet. dig down deep and get to know your soul again. I promise you, it is life-changing work.
happy tuesday, lovelies!
Steffanie
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